Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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