This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
