Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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