I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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