I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
