so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
