HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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