***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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