She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
