If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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