Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
