Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
