he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
