Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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