I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
