listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
