I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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