omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
