I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
