i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
