i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
