Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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