So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
