Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
