On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
