I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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