gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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