the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
