Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I believe in your delicious
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
