How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
