He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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