I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Buhtt sex?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
handjob tips. give me some.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
