You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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