I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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