TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Randomize
