And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
