God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
