I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
