I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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