They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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