when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
