if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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