and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
