dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
