Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
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