I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
