Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
