I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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