Apparently you make a good broom.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
