bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
