you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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